Understanding Dirt
by The Swimming Fish
Summary: There was something about Roy that always made Pam feel... dirty. Even though he was her fiance! And even though Jim was undeniably NOT her fiance... she didn't feel dirty with him at all. Rating may change later. Jam, of course.
1. Roy

_Hello darlings! This is my first attempt at an Office fic. :} I'm sorry if there are any continuity errors... I'm only an occasional watcher. I'd like to warn y'all that the rating may change in the future. I envision a lemon perhaps... Currently, I'm way too skittish to keep something like that on my computer. But! It may happen._

_Disclaimer! I don't own the Office, Jim, Pam, Roy, or anyone else... though I wish I owned Jim and Pam. What can I say? I love Jam. X)_

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><p>Pam Beesly rubbed her eyes. She knew she had just smudged the minor amount of make-up present on her face, but she didn't much care. She was home now, with no one to see her. Roy walked into their apartment, glancing at her. Okay, almost no one here to see her.<p>

"D'you have a bad day?" he asked gruffly. Pam knew that Roy was making a great effort in this. He didn't care for feelings or niceties. When she was first getting to know him, she thought Roy would be a teddy bear: a big guy who was secretly a softy. But now, nearly ten years later, she knew that wasn't true. Roy was a big guy who liked to drink and make out. And she was going to marry him.

It was on days like this that she really, really didn't want to be herself. She wanted to be the cute, naïve little receptionist, Erin, or the purse lady, Katy, that Jim seemed to like so much. It was on days like this that she just wanted to be wrapped in someone's arms, to be comforted and loved. And she knew that she was not going to get the tender care she needed from Roy.

"Why do you ask?" she replied frostily. She couldn't help it. She wanted a hug that she knew she would never get from him, unless he would get some groping in the deal. She felt nauseous.

"You look like shit," he said bluntly. She sent him an icy glance and remembered her make-up that she smudged right before he walked in.

"Well I'm _sorry_ if I can't be myself in my own home!" Pam didn't mean to snap; Roy had been nice in asking how she was. She cooled down a little, but flared up again when she remembered he just said she looked like shit. She stood up abruptly from their small kitchen table and grabbed her keys.

"I'm going out," she said angrily. Her suit jacket was unbuttoned and her make-up was smeared. She was suddenly certain that she _did_ look like shit. However, she decided she didn't care—he still shouldn't have said it. She stomped towards the door when a large hand landed on her shoulder.

"Pam, Pammy, look, I'm sorry," Roy said tonelessly, as if he were a tad annoyed he had to apologize. "You look awesome, I promise." He leaned in and kissed her cheek. Pam knew he didn't mean it, but appreciated his effort. He kissed her gently on the lips, then he made his way down to her neck. His hands quickly worked on her jacket and button-up shirt. She wondered how he could possibly be so nimble with his huge, meaty hands.

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><p>She awoke in the dim morning light. It was just before dawn, she knew. She wondered why she had woken, but then heard the toilet flush from their tiny shared bathroom. Roy must be up. He had to be in to work about an hour before her, since he worked in the warehouse. She usually would drag herself out of bed with him and make him breakfast.<p>

For some reason, she couldn't bear the idea of getting up yet again to make a breakfast that he would slurp down, chewing with his mouth open. And he wouldn't even thank her before he left, she knew.

Pam sighed gently and tried to go back to sleep.

"Pam?" That would be Roy.

Pam kept still. Maybe if he thought she was still sleeping, he would leave her alone. She just wanted to sleep, to take a shower, to drink some water. She had slept with him last night. Apparently, that was his idea of a good apology to her. But he couldn't know how wrong he was. She felt like she had been used. If she had more faith in his intelligence, Pam would have guessed that Roy made her angry on purpose, just so he could sleep with her. But she knew he wasn't that much of a schemer. Or that smart. But it all came down to one thing.

Sleeping with Roy made Pam feel dirty. _Roy_ made her feel dirty.

"Pam? Pam!" Roy shook her shoulder, 'waking' her. She put on a bemused, tired face. "Pam, I've got to leave soon, and I need breakfast," he said in what he obviously thought was a kind voice. Pam's cheeks flared with anger. He was going to wake her at… she glanced at the clock on her nightstand… 4:03 in the morning for breakfast! He couldn't make it for himself! She glared at him, and purposefully rolled over, as if going back to sleep. _As if._

"Oh Pam, don't be that way…" Roy muttered softly as he leaned down to kiss her neck. She winced slightly at his stubble scratching the sensitive skin. "What's gotten into you lately?"

This was the last straw. She would not let him use her for sex over and over again.

"_Nothing_ has gotten into me," Pam said in a venomous voice, shoving Roy off of her, "I've just learned not to take shit from assholes." She glared daggers at him.

"Fine," he said, obviously annoyed, but also tempted to take her seriously. Pam never, _ever_ swore. He was already dressed and cleaned up for work. He hadn't shaved, but he'd never felt the need to do that. Realizing he was ready for work, Pam made up her mind.

"You should go," she said in a scathing tone. She was not going to apologize or give into his 'seducing.' "You'll be late for work." He seemed to realize the truth in her words, and turned his back, roughly grabbing his lunch and slamming the door behind him.

Pam dropped herself onto the bed. Before she knew it, she was in tears. Why had she snapped at him? He was just following a routine. She should be nicer to him—she was going to marry him, after all.

Pamela Anderson. She could see it.

And she wasn't sure if she liked what she saw.

Without meaning to, Pam thought of Jim. Jim, who shared his secret games and tricks with her, always brightening her day, being so kind to her. And then there was Roy, who was constantly trying to 'get some' in public, as if trying to show off, almost. It wasn't about her, it was always about him.

And damn it all, Pam wanted something to be about her for once.


	2. Jim

_Hello dearies! I'd like to let you know that I changed my mind; I'm a far too anxious person with rather conservative people in my life... I'd hate for them to find a lemon on my computer. So, I've kept it T. If you'd like something else, let me know. I might be convinced to do otherwise._

_I hope you like this! Please review? :}_

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><p>Pam sat on the stairs outside her favorite tea shop. She had tried coffee at one point, but it was hard on her stomach and she stuck to tea from then on. Today, she wished she drank coffee. She needed something to wake her up. She was tired and a little irritated. She had not slept well, tossing and turning as Roy kicked out in the middle of the night. Then he woke her up at an ungodly hour, expecting breakfast! Pam seethed silently, turning her paper cup in her hands, warming them.<p>

Roy had been a part of her life for so long. Maybe she was just overreacting.

_No,_ Pam thought determinedly. She deserved… something.

And with that, she stood.

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><p>Pam marched into the office. She didn't know what she was doing; she was a half hour early and she knew exactly who would be here already when she went to her desk. She shouldn't put herself in this situation; she shouldn't be doing this. The elevator came when she called, and she felt her stomach drop as the elevator trudged upward.<p>

The feeling in her stomach had nothing to do with the elevator.

The elevator pinged, opening to her floor. She strengthened her resolve. She knew exactly what she was going to do. It was a bad idea. She knew it was. But she couldn't stop herself. She needed _something_.

She pulled open the door and her eyes landed on Jim. He didn't glance up—she had come in rather quietly. The rest of the office was empty; Jim always came early. She took off her long coat and tossed her nearly empty paper cup into the trash. She walked to her desk and set her bag down. Jim looked up, giving her a lopsided smile. She smiled back, and her heart raced.

And her confidence faltered. She quickly walked around her desk to the little kitchenette the office shared. The door closed, and she busied herself making a pot of tea. Unbidden, tears began rolling down her cheeks. What had she been thinking? What would she even do? Seduce Jim? She was engaged to Roy. Her life was planned already; there would be no disrupting it. She just wanted to be treated like someone loved her. She hid her face in one of her hands, small, choking whimpers falling out of her open mouth as she began to cry. She felt angry at herself; she was not one for crying. She was stronger than that.

She needed to get over it. She loved Roy. She… she did.

But she didn't.

She heard the door open and she groaned internally. She had gotten fairly loud in her misery.

Jim walked to her, and she kept her eyes closed, her brow furrowed. She was going to get premature wrinkles, she knew. Another thing for Roy to insult her about. She waited for Jim to say something. If she wouldn't be loved, she at least wanted kind words.

But they didn't come. She was about to open her eyes when—

Yes. There it was. His arms, long and warm, wrapped around her, and she fell into him. She could picture his face, as his chin perched on her head, eyebrows raised and mouth in a concerned line.

But his arms—_his arms_—were all she could focus on. This was the hug she had needed for so long. And she could feel him breathing, in and out, and it was so comforting.

She could live in his arms.

His hands were rubbing her back, and she was hiccupping into his perfect white shirt, getting her tears on his tie. He leaned back and his thumbs rubbed the tears from her cheeks. He bent forward, bringing his eyes level with hers.

"What happened?" he asked softly. Ever so softly.

Her jaw dropped, forming the beginning of her words, but she found her words stuck in her throat. How could she tell him? That she was marrying someone she didn't love, that she was an idiot, that she was tired of feeling used, that she was going to marry Roy anyway, and she hated it…

And Jim was here. He was holding her. He cared.

She just wanted someone to care.

So she leaned into his lips that were already so close.

He shied away at first, but she leaned into him and he kissed back. She knew he wanted to. She was mean for doing this, causing him to tear back down his walls that he built after she rejected him. But she needed him, and he needed her. His lips moved against hers gently, her head tipping so they fit together better. Her hands reached up and brushed his jaw. His cheeks were smooth and cleanly shaven. His hand had snaked around and cradled the back of her neck, and she tangled her fingers in the hair at the base of his neck. He sighed into the kiss, his eyes falling closed. They broke apart, and their noses rested together as they shared a breath.

She dared not open her eyes.

Her nose brushed soft fabric, and she opened her eyes to find her face pressed back into Jim's white button-up. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, his arms encircling her in return. She felt like crying again. She had never felt that much love from Roy. Not once.

But she felt love from Jim.

And even though she was undeniably _not_ engaged to Jim, she loved him. And he didn't make her feel dirty. Not one bit.

Pam was engaged to the wrong man.

And she was going to fix that.


End file.
